Thursday, March 17

repost -an open apology to my liver

The young crowd are already filing into The Burren in Somerville, so change of pace for a second... Some of the writing in the raggy BarstoolSports is funny as hell though the site itself is pretty degenerate and clearly NSFW... They had me in 2004 with their "10 Kinds Of Red Sox Fans" (can't find it online) and cried on the T reading "Confessions of a Draft Addict" even though I care zero about the NFL or draft day. Sure The 'Stool is recycling its best stuff over and over but the "Open Apology To My Liver" may amuse. Some excepts below, read in full here or grab the printed paper in Boston this week.
An Open Apology To My Liver
(In Anticipation Of The March Madness/St. Patrick's Day Weekend)
by Jamie Chisholm (

Dear Liver,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I thought it was only right to let you know that I'm about to drop the hammer on you. We've been through some tough spots together- lets call it 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998,1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 and 2007- and you haven't let me down yet but, and please excuse my frankness, I don't think we're both going to make it out of this alive.

The first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament. St. Patrick's Day. The wife away on business. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Four days of booze. It's the perfect storm of drinking. Except you'll be drowning in Guinness and Jagermeister. You'll only wish that I was sucking down some salt water.

I know you're going to try to talk me out of this, maybe throw up a little primary sclerosing cholangitis or some Budd-Chiari syndrome but it won't work. I'm all in and so you're all in. We didn't train for years for nothing. This is what we've been working for; this is why we played drinking games with grain alcohol punch in college. This is why we drank all that Natty Light and all those nasty dollar drafts at Mary Ann's. Because there was always a chance that a weekend like this would come along. It's what we've waited for, Liver....

I always put you through the ringer each March- remember my infatuation with Gonzaga? - but this year is different. Prepare yourself because it's going to be very, very alcoholically.
We can't afford any breakdowns, Liver. Suck it up and get back to metabolizing my booze or whatever it is that you do. Because March Madness is just the beginning of your problems.
So, take the next few days to collect yourself. Maybe regenerate a little bit of extra liver just in case the March Madness/St. Patrick's Day weekend gets out of hand and we end up in Amsterdam or something...
[There is plenty more -ed.]